Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? - Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? - Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. - Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. - Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. - Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. - Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. - Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. - Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance. - Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance. - Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - Woody Allen

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. - Woody Allen

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. - Woody Allen

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? - Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? - Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen

The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants. - Woody Allen

The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants. - Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. - Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. - Woody Allen

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right. - Woody Allen

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right. - Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. - Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. - Woody Allen

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey. - Woody Allen

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey. - Woody Allen