Friday, January 14, 2005

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? - Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? - Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. - Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. - Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. - Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. - Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. - Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. - Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance. - Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance. - Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - Woody Allen

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. - Woody Allen

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. - Woody Allen

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? - Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? - Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen

The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants. - Woody Allen

The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants. - Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. - Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. - Woody Allen

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right. - Woody Allen

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right. - Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. - Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. - Woody Allen

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey. - Woody Allen

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey. - Woody Allen

The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson. - Woody Allen

The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson. - Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. - Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. - Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. - Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. - Woody Allen

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody Allen

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best. - Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best. - Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. - Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. - Woody Allen

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously. - Woody Allen

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously. - Woody Allen

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. - Woody Allen

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. - Woody Allen

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic. - Woody Allen

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic. - Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. - Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. - Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. - Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. - Woody Allen

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. - Woody Allen

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. - Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. - Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. - Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . - Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . - Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. - Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. - Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. - Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. - Woody Allen

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. - Woody Allen

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. - Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. - Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. - Woody Allen

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. - Woody Allen

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. - Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. - Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. - Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope. - Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope. - Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. - Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. - Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions. - Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions. - Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. - Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. - Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. - Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. - Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. - Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. - Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. - Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. - Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. - Woody Allen

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. - Woody Allen

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. - Woody Allen

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. - Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. - Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. - Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. - Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. - Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. - Woody Allen

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. - Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. - Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. - Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. - Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. - Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. - Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. - Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. - Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. - Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. - Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. - Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. - Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. - Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. - Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. - Woody Allen

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. - Woody Allen

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. - Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. - Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. - Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. - Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. - Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.' - Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.' - Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. - Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. - Woody Allen

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. - Woody Allen

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. - Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. - Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. - Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! - Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! - Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. - Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. - Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. - Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. - Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. - Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. - Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. - Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. - Woody Allen

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot. - Woody Allen

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot. - Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. - Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. - Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. - Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. - Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. - Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. - Woody Allen

I am two with nature. - Woody Allen

I am two with nature. - Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. - Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. - Woody Allen

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. - Woody Allen

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. - Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. - Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. - Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up. - Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up. - Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. - Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. - Woody Allen

Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak. - Woody Allen

Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak. - Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - Woody Allen

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room. - Woody Allen

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room. - Woody Allen

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. - Woody Allen

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. - Woody Allen

A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires. - Woody Allen

A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires. - Woody Allen